Ensuring Student Success Brick by Brick

Following decades of complaints about the distracting views of Lake Mendota from College Library’s windowed north façade, library administration have unveiled a bold new plan to replace all of the windows with red brick. While an expensive overhaul of the library’s signature attraction, library staff felt it was worth the estimated $3.25 million to ensure student success.

While admitting that the university expects to double its electrical bill due to the loss of natural light, library spokesperson I.M. Mason countered with calculations by noted design consultants Block4m®. They project an over 50% increase in productivity from library users. By simply eliminating distracting views of sailboats, windsurfers, jet-packers, rowing teams, glorious sunsets (not to mention sunrises), College Library can expect a seven-fold increase in patron use. While students may no longer enjoy the majesty of a bald eagle gliding gracefully over the surface of the lake, they will have a much more visceral understanding of Plato’s cave analogy.

Local improv artist, Clay Baker, could barely contain his excitement after seeing artist’s renderings of the proposal. “Can you imagine,” he said, “This will be a comedy gold mine! All of that beautiful brick to inspire new comedians.” He is already anticipating the Helen C. White Comedy Revue, set to launch April 1, 2018.